Tonight I wanna cry

I feel horrible being such a baby when I know there is soo much worse out there. Someone said 'just because there is worse doesn't mean what your going through hurts less'. First when she said it, I was fucking pissed off. Because the point of my post was for people to appreciate things more. But now that Im sitting here....and its getting closer to the 15th. You know the day I hate every month. Im super upset. And Im trying to think of people who have it worse, but its not making the pain go away. Its making it worse. Because I know how much pain I am in... so I know they must be in even more pain. And that hurts me, a lot. 

September is getting closer and closer. That month has both of our anniversaries, dating & married..But its also a horribly painful month. September 15th, 2006..I had my first miscarriage. I wanted to die. When you lose a child, you literally lose a part of you. A part you will never get back. Its painful, its horrible..and I fucking hate it. Now I hate September even more..my due date. What am I going to do on September 25th?  This is my second due date...both I will be jumping into with empty arms. Its not fair. Its just not fucking fair. The only thing keeping me going is knowing in September I will start fertility meds. So MAYBE I can have another good thing..maybe just MAYBE I will conceive in September. and then when my 3RD freaking due date comes around..maybe JUST maybe..I will not have empty arms. All I can really do is pray. I pray that clomid works. I pray I never have to go through the pain of another loss. But honestly, I dont believe any of that will happen. I really don't. I feel like we have a lot longer on this journey....And it freaking sucks.

I'm way to depressed to blog about anything else right now...and writing this blog is depressing me EVEN fucking more. So Im going to stop it. Im going to suck it up, stop crying....and move on with my life. God, I wish I was just a little bit stronger....Im so fucking weak.