If you are feeling like this-just delete me.

Yesterday I got some amazing news! I got my referral & I am going off post! When I went to my appointment last week she told me I would be going on post to an OBGYN that deals with reproductive health. So when I called them yesterday that was what I was expecting but they quickly told me I was going to be going off post, and to call another number. I was super excited because that meant I could pick my OWN doctor...well I couldn't have been more wrong. I called the next number they told me to call & the voice on the other end was telling me that the already had a doctor picked for me & to call Texas Tech to make my appointment. I was a little disappointed as I did want to pick my own doctor, but when I called them that doctor no longer worked there, so then I call tricare back they give me a another name, I call texas tech back, that doctor doesn't work there either. So the lady at Texas Tech tells me they just don't have a fertility specialist all they have are obgyns. So I call tricare & they give me the OK to pick my own doctor! So I quickly get the name and number of a doctor I have already researched & been wanting to make an appointment with (Thank you Amber). So I call my NEWWW doctor & I have an appointment May 9th at 9:30. Im veryyy nervous but Im also really excited. Honestly its really bittersweet to say I have a fertility doctor.  Its awesome because that means I get help, get REAL testing...see why Im not getting pregnant. But it sucks because this means its real, I need a fertility doctor. I can't wait to get in there & start working for a solution to the problem! And Im VERY nervous because what if he tells me he doesn't wanna help me! I know I know its dumb, but you never freaking know. Owell lets pray for the best<3

Moving on:

So as all of you know that follow my blogs or my facebook...Ive been VERYY depressed lately. Its very obvious. Why you may ask? Well lets see, Ive lost 3 babies (two pregnancies) to miscarriage. The most recent was in Jan. Which to you may seem like a while ago, but to someone who trys and trys and trys every month. Its not easy.Ive been trying to get pregnant almost 13months, which to some people isn't that long...which actually breaks my heart. Because I do know several who have been trying for years, and I just want to cry for them. BUTT they are strong just like I am, and together we will get through this<3 Do I think I am a little dramatic at times, yess deff. But its not something I can just change with a snap of a finger. I'm working on it. The bitterness, the sadness & deff the depression. I like to think of myself as a really nice person. Am I jealous of pregnant women, deff. Am I bitter to the ones who don't appreciate, yes deff.  But I am working on it. And I just have to say to EVERYONE...I'm sorry for being so bitter, butttt its not something that is just going to change over night. Im sorry but its not. If you expect me to just go back to the happy go lucky Kim, please do yourself a favor & unfriend me now. Because you obviously have no clue & you obviously don't care. I talked to a friend the other day & she helped me realize a lot of things. It took a lot for her to talk to me about these things  & I respect the HELL out of her for it. And I certainly appreciate it. One thing she did tell me is that I am going to lose friends if I don't stop being so depressing & bitter. At first I was like wow, I can't believe she said that to me. Then I was hurt, but now after giving it some though, first off after talking to her, I realized that I have been bitter & what not...BUT it also made me realize that someone is truly is your friend, cares about you & loves you would talk to me about things. Instead of being like 'Gosh shes annoying & she piss's me off, we aren't friends anymore'. So if your someone who thinks Im depressing, bitter, and this awful person & you can't stand to see my blogs/updates but don't have the balls to talk to me about them. Please go ahead  & remove yourself right now! Because I deff do NOT need people like that in my life. I promise Im not an awful person. but I am going through some shit. Shit that you may or may not know anything about. Everyones situations are different. Everyone who has lost a baby knows the feeling, but not everyone knows the exact pain YOU are going through. This blog I follow this girl tried 2 years to get pregnant and then lost the baby. I know how it feels to lose a baby, but I certainly don't know how it feels to try 2 years. So everyones live & situations are different. But its the way you talk to me, if you come to me & tell me Im this horrible person, Im deff not going to open up to you, but if you tell me your worried about me. I'll be a lot more likely to talk to you. Also I was told my status on facebook are getting depressing as hell, I dont want to be that person. I DONT. So I am going to do my best to have more positive status's from now on. Because I just don't want to be that 'depressing girl that everyone hides from their newsfeed'. I dont want to be like this, and I really am trying to cheer up. But if you don't want to talk to me when your feeling a certain way, but you want to talk shit about me..please Im begging you just remove yourself because that is not a friend. To everyone else, your amazing.

Thanks so much for all the love & support seriously. I wouldn't make it through without you guys. & that friend that talked to me, your amazing. While some of the stuff REALLY hurt me....and I was mad at some of it while we were talking...I cant thank you enough for actually telling me how you TRULY feel. It amazes me that people like you exist in this world.