As some of you know Justin & I have been talking about getting a dog, for what seems like ever. We are the biggest jokers when it comes to thinks like this though. He says 'fuck no', and I say 'ehh we can't have a dog because if he does this I'd beat his ass, or get rid of him'. So I'm sure everyone was like 'pleaseeee don't get a dog' haha. But I assure you those were jokes, and plus I can say those things about your dogs because I don't love them! hah.
So last night animal control was having a sale, $50 for the adopt which included shots, micro chipped & them fixed, the original price was $100. I had been looking the past two days with Jena & Jess (well Jess on friday), trying to find the perfect dog for us. I kept finding soo many dogs that were possibilities. Justin & I were supposed to go up there on Thursday but of course the army kept him working late so we couldn't (which turned out to be a great thing). So Friday after he got off of work, we went BACK up there...Jena, Justin, Wes & I. I had found the perfect dog, or what I thought was the perfect dog, a bulldog (just what Justin wanted) earlier that day, and played with him he was super excited, the only problem was he had tags and everything so we could adopt him, but couldn't take him home till Friday, and if the owners called obviously they would take him home. Well Justin took just a few mins too long to write back, so we left. And we seriously went back for the dog within 20mins, but he was already claimed. At first I was really angry, but then I realized it just must not have been meant to be! So then Justin goes to get a lady to help us, and she tells him she has a dog for us to see. That shes a white boxer, well I had seen in through the window but I thought she was a pit because theres soo many of them, so I just walked by her. Well as soon as I saw her, I knew she was the one for me. Justin loved her. But I asked him if he wanted to look around a little longer before he made his choice. The lady told us her day was up TOMORROW, so if she wasn't adopted last night she would have been killed. Which honestly they were so busy, she probably would have been saved but we loved her. So I told Justin, okay lets go fill out the paper work, and he came with me for a few mins & then left. He went back outside to hang out with Chris (who had just gotten there), and he keeps looking around -why I have no clue! And I get done filling out the paperwork & hes like 'babe-this is the dog for me' Can we trade in our other dog, I'm like 'hellllll no'. Plus your not allowed to do that! And hes like 'Well I HAVE TO HAVE THIS DOG'. She was german shepherd -1 year and a half old. So he HAS to play with her, and go figure she was awesome. She was so calm & new sit, stay & all that good stuff. She had just been brought in last night. So he talks me into getting both dogs, and I make him promise he will walk them both with me every night! And help me train them both! I am deff a little scared to have two dogs, especially because I haven't had a dog in YEARS. But I think we will be okay considering the GS is almost fully trained, I am just praying shes housebroken! We pick up the boxer today, and the GS on Weds. We can't have her until weds because they have to hold them a certain amount of days to see if the family comes looking for them! But they believe that both dogs deff had homes, based on how they act & everything. I am just so excited! I can't believe our family went from TWO to FOUR though! haha. Im like watch now that I have my hands totally full -I'll get pregnant & Justins like 'yeah with TWINS' haha. Butttt let me just say I will NOT get rid of my dogs unless they start attacking us or the kids! Justin was trying to tell me that since we didn't really want two we can just give the boxer (MY BABY) away on CL or he can find someone that wants her. Im like umm you MUST be on crack! I deff think that we are going to have our hands full, but I really think Im going to love it. And I also think that our furbabies will help pass the time of TTC! Gosh, we need names I can't keep calling them GS and the boxer haha. Justin really likes akiera for his...and I love Sadie, I always have! But I guess we will see what happens. He was telling me I should name mine Kilo...Im like your dumb, haha. But seriously, I feel so awesome knowing that we saved two dogs from being killed. Thats deff a rewarding feeling. & esp if you know I end up being not so great at training or being an awesome mommy, at least I know they are better off then being killed -haha.
on a totally different note: MY MOM & SISTER ARE ON THERE WAY!!!!! They will be be here at 11:30, I can't even waitttttttttttt! They get to stay a whole week! Im not soo sure what we are going to do! But I know I want them to meet my friends:) and I want to take them on the tram, take them to carlos and mickeys- esp since I have never even done those two things. I want to take them on trans mt:) It sucks though because you know the army & their oh so great planning, Justins going into the field! but he comes home every night -hopefully he still gets off a decent hour though! ahhh I can't waitttt! This week is going to be AMAZING! I can't wait to show them my new house, FT. Bliss, El Paso! How close Mexico is haha. And my mom can help me train my baby:) haha. Now if the time would just hurry up! Its only 8am, Ive been up since 7! I am never up this early. I am just so excited...I am considering having a bowl of cereal & then going back to bed, if I can sleep! haha.
<3<3<3
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Since I haven't really been able to talk since Thursday, I have a lot to say
I didn't feel right adding to that last post & completely changing the subject, so I figured Id just write a whole other blog!
Suddenly on Weds my throat started hurting, I assumed I was getting the cold my husband so dearly shared with me...I quickly learned on Thursday that wasn't even close to what it was..I mean I am a little sick but thats got nothing on my tooth problems! ha. So thursday I was in the most pain, my WISDOM tooth was coming in. My top two came in a while ago & they were painful, or so I thought, but they really weren't anything compared to this tooth! I started downing drugs to take the pain away, & started calling dentists everywhere. Well I found someone to help out, on Friday I went to an emergency dentist, they gave me an appointment & everything...well Samantha went with me, and we waited an HOUR past when I was supposed to be there, well my tooth felt totally fine (I just just taken Tylenol 800), I asked the lady how much longer & she told me I still had two people in front of me, well STUPID me, was like I'll just leaving, knowing I had an appointment on Monday morning anyways. Well friday night I was in the most pain EVERRRR...so I went to ER, Jena went with me (thanks Jena, seriously your the best and I really appreciate everything you do for me)..they gave me some painkillers, & a shot. Well the shot wore off pretty soon after I got it, and I went to bed..the next day I called my mom in TEARS because the painkillers were only working for 2hours and then wearing off. They said only take 3 a day & I was just so worried about what I was going to do, she told me I could take them every 6hours. Well even that wasn't helping, so I posted a status crying about it on facebook & my aunt called me. She told me to start taking the pain killers every 4 hours, and to take Tylenol on the 2nd hour! FINALLY I was OK, but still in a lot of pain. So today FINALLLY came around & I went to the dentist. I could TOTALLY tell he didn't want to mess with my tooth, but I BEGGEd him to take it out. He told me all 4 needed to come out, but he couldn't do them all today, and he deff can't take out the bottom right one. So I just begged him to take out only the tooth that was bothering me & he agreed. THANK GOD. I am now in a little bit of pain, but much-much-much less then I was in before!
So now lies the problem. My dentist took my one tooth out, but that still leaves 3 more. Two of which he would be able to take out if I made the appointment. But the third one had no popped out of the skin yet, so I would HAVE to go to an oral surgeon for that one. So your probably thinking, okay go to the surgeon & get all 3 taken out whats the issue? Welll...you see the thing is, for the bottom tooth they would HAVE to put me out for it (well they don't have to by the doctor STRONGLY suggests I do because he said its going to be a BAD one to get out)...and the thing is apparently my insurance doesn't cover that, so I would have to pay for that out of pocket. So I figured OK well since I already have to pay for it, I'll get them all 3 taken out while I'm under...well the problem with THAT is, they charge PER TOOTH. So pretty much I am looking at a HUGE pretty penny if I did it that way. Where as, if I go to my dentist & he doesn't put me out for the top two, it will be $100 for both teeth...and then I can pay a lot less to the oral surgeon. But that would mean I would have to go through the process of getting teeth removed 3 different times. Which so far getting this one removed wasn't very painful at all, it actually felt like 10000000x better now that the tooth is gone. So what I am going to do is tomorrow call all these places & figure out prices & what not...and then give it a couple days see how I feel & decide what to do.
My next problem, obviously I am TTC, so once I get pregnant I can't have any painkiller or anything, so I am thinking what I will do is go ahead & see if I can get ALL of these done in June, and if anything just tell them I need the bottom one (where they put me out) done in June...and then worry about the top ones later. Because the tops ones already came out & they didn't hurt & don't hurt so worst case, I get pregnant & can't get those ones out till after the baby is born. BUT I worry about the bottom one because if that hurts to grow & gets painful, that one is going to have to come out...and if it hurts like this one did, and Im pregnant & can't take any painkillers..I just might die, haha. I am telling you I have the WORST luck with my mouth, its unreal lol.
SOO much better: MY MOMMY & SISTER are finally coming to EL PASO!!!! I can't even wait...they will be here on SATTTTTT. I seriously cannot even waitttttttt. Its crazy though, every time I am supposed to go home & see them something bad happens & I am in pain so I can't even be excited to see them...but then again I was thinking that it might a good thing because if I didn't have other things to focus on I may get so excited I would drive myself CRAZZZZY. They are coming for a WEEK! Which isn't enough time at all, I was considering forcing them to stay some how, haha. No but seriously, I am very excited! I have a few plans, I want to take them to white sands FOR SURE, my mom wants to see my aunt in AZ, going on the tram (which BTW I have lived here an entire year and have never done haha), I DEFF have to take them over trans mt....anddd ummm..Idk what else..but I am so excited:) I am thinking we DEFF have to go to Carlos & Mickeys -I hear so much about it & yet I have never been!! GOSHHHHHHHHHH...I wish Saturday would just hurry up!!!!!!!! I am so excited to show them my new house:) and that I have room & a bed for them ((Thank you Vicki!!!)) Ekkkk, okay is it Saturday yet?
Gosh, I have so much to say, probably because if you know me I love love love to talk...and I haven't been doing much talking since Thursday, so I have a lot to say haha. I must say tooo that JENA EVANKO has been taking really good care of me, and helping out ALOT...but theres just ONE problem with her ass...SHE ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH! Im like DUDE, it hurts, stop making me laugh, but does she NO! haha. She was DEAD set against seeing my cheeks soooo swollen & that they were going to wrap the thing around my head like they do in the movies..which actually my cheeks were LESS swollen after that bad boy was gone & they didn't wrap anything around my head -she was very disappointed haha.
Okay I guess I am done talking:) haha...<3
Suddenly on Weds my throat started hurting, I assumed I was getting the cold my husband so dearly shared with me...I quickly learned on Thursday that wasn't even close to what it was..I mean I am a little sick but thats got nothing on my tooth problems! ha. So thursday I was in the most pain, my WISDOM tooth was coming in. My top two came in a while ago & they were painful, or so I thought, but they really weren't anything compared to this tooth! I started downing drugs to take the pain away, & started calling dentists everywhere. Well I found someone to help out, on Friday I went to an emergency dentist, they gave me an appointment & everything...well Samantha went with me, and we waited an HOUR past when I was supposed to be there, well my tooth felt totally fine (I just just taken Tylenol 800), I asked the lady how much longer & she told me I still had two people in front of me, well STUPID me, was like I'll just leaving, knowing I had an appointment on Monday morning anyways. Well friday night I was in the most pain EVERRRR...so I went to ER, Jena went with me (thanks Jena, seriously your the best and I really appreciate everything you do for me)..they gave me some painkillers, & a shot. Well the shot wore off pretty soon after I got it, and I went to bed..the next day I called my mom in TEARS because the painkillers were only working for 2hours and then wearing off. They said only take 3 a day & I was just so worried about what I was going to do, she told me I could take them every 6hours. Well even that wasn't helping, so I posted a status crying about it on facebook & my aunt called me. She told me to start taking the pain killers every 4 hours, and to take Tylenol on the 2nd hour! FINALLY I was OK, but still in a lot of pain. So today FINALLLY came around & I went to the dentist. I could TOTALLY tell he didn't want to mess with my tooth, but I BEGGEd him to take it out. He told me all 4 needed to come out, but he couldn't do them all today, and he deff can't take out the bottom right one. So I just begged him to take out only the tooth that was bothering me & he agreed. THANK GOD. I am now in a little bit of pain, but much-much-much less then I was in before!
So now lies the problem. My dentist took my one tooth out, but that still leaves 3 more. Two of which he would be able to take out if I made the appointment. But the third one had no popped out of the skin yet, so I would HAVE to go to an oral surgeon for that one. So your probably thinking, okay go to the surgeon & get all 3 taken out whats the issue? Welll...you see the thing is, for the bottom tooth they would HAVE to put me out for it (well they don't have to by the doctor STRONGLY suggests I do because he said its going to be a BAD one to get out)...and the thing is apparently my insurance doesn't cover that, so I would have to pay for that out of pocket. So I figured OK well since I already have to pay for it, I'll get them all 3 taken out while I'm under...well the problem with THAT is, they charge PER TOOTH. So pretty much I am looking at a HUGE pretty penny if I did it that way. Where as, if I go to my dentist & he doesn't put me out for the top two, it will be $100 for both teeth...and then I can pay a lot less to the oral surgeon. But that would mean I would have to go through the process of getting teeth removed 3 different times. Which so far getting this one removed wasn't very painful at all, it actually felt like 10000000x better now that the tooth is gone. So what I am going to do is tomorrow call all these places & figure out prices & what not...and then give it a couple days see how I feel & decide what to do.
My next problem, obviously I am TTC, so once I get pregnant I can't have any painkiller or anything, so I am thinking what I will do is go ahead & see if I can get ALL of these done in June, and if anything just tell them I need the bottom one (where they put me out) done in June...and then worry about the top ones later. Because the tops ones already came out & they didn't hurt & don't hurt so worst case, I get pregnant & can't get those ones out till after the baby is born. BUT I worry about the bottom one because if that hurts to grow & gets painful, that one is going to have to come out...and if it hurts like this one did, and Im pregnant & can't take any painkillers..I just might die, haha. I am telling you I have the WORST luck with my mouth, its unreal lol.
SOO much better: MY MOMMY & SISTER are finally coming to EL PASO!!!! I can't even wait...they will be here on SATTTTTT. I seriously cannot even waitttttttt. Its crazy though, every time I am supposed to go home & see them something bad happens & I am in pain so I can't even be excited to see them...but then again I was thinking that it might a good thing because if I didn't have other things to focus on I may get so excited I would drive myself CRAZZZZY. They are coming for a WEEK! Which isn't enough time at all, I was considering forcing them to stay some how, haha. No but seriously, I am very excited! I have a few plans, I want to take them to white sands FOR SURE, my mom wants to see my aunt in AZ, going on the tram (which BTW I have lived here an entire year and have never done haha), I DEFF have to take them over trans mt....anddd ummm..Idk what else..but I am so excited:) I am thinking we DEFF have to go to Carlos & Mickeys -I hear so much about it & yet I have never been!! GOSHHHHHHHHHH...I wish Saturday would just hurry up!!!!!!!! I am so excited to show them my new house:) and that I have room & a bed for them ((Thank you Vicki!!!)) Ekkkk, okay is it Saturday yet?
Gosh, I have so much to say, probably because if you know me I love love love to talk...and I haven't been doing much talking since Thursday, so I have a lot to say haha. I must say tooo that JENA EVANKO has been taking really good care of me, and helping out ALOT...but theres just ONE problem with her ass...SHE ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH! Im like DUDE, it hurts, stop making me laugh, but does she NO! haha. She was DEAD set against seeing my cheeks soooo swollen & that they were going to wrap the thing around my head like they do in the movies..which actually my cheeks were LESS swollen after that bad boy was gone & they didn't wrap anything around my head -she was very disappointed haha.
Okay I guess I am done talking:) haha...<3
Dates I'll always remember
First off I want to say I absolutely hate the 15th, so I was wondering if we could just cut that day of of each month, k thanks!
So you know how we all have dates that will stick in your head no matter how many years its been, for instance..your wedding date, the day you started dating your s/o, your close friends & friends birthday, your childrens birthdays. Well the other day I was thinking about that. I have so many dates that I really believe I will NEVER forget. Its amazing to be that is has been almost 4 years since my miscarriage, yet I still remember the exact dates, and even the exact days. These are the dates of my pregnancies, days that will stick with me forever I am sure.
My first pregnancy:
August 13th –Took HPT because I was going to stop trying so I figured I might as well take it to get it out of the house- to my surprise it was a BFP! I called Sandra right away & told her, next I told Justin, then my mom (gosh I was scared to tell her lol).
August 15th –Planned parenthood confirmed I was pregnant!
September 13th –Went in for our first ultrasound at 8weeks, we found out we were losing the baby
September 15th –Started bleeding, we lost our angel
Jan 6-7, 2007- At my birthday party I started bleeding at first we thought it was just my period or something, but I was in a lot of pain & we didn't know why (6th), the next day (7th) I passed the second baby (didn’t know it was a baby at the time though, just thought it was tissue or something- even though it looked exactly like the first baby I had passed.
Second pregnancy:
Its amazing to me that I would have twin 4 year olds running around. And would be 21 weeks pregnant right now. We only want 2-3 children, so after this baby would have been born our family would have complete.
So one of my friends here at Ft. Bliss just recently had a miscarriage, so she decided to create an event called 'angel baby bubble memorial'. We all met at the px & we blew bubbles for our angels in heaven. We would have done balloons but being that so many were coming (36 RSVPED yes on the event- most blew bubbles from home though) she figured bubbles would be better for the environment! I will post a video at the end of this blog from the event! Justin & I actually did a balloon release on prom night after the first miscarriage, we went out to Hagar Shore & we wrote all over the balloons & sent them out to heaven. It amazing, we took quite a few pictures but now they are locked onto photobucket somewhere, that I have no access too. But the memory is still very much alive for me. I have been thinking of doing another one, I may let 3 go, one for each of my children, I want to do it alone though. Not even with Justin. I want to write all over the balloons & send them up for my babies.
A friend of mine told me about this idea that I am about to share, and I absolutely love it. She said that a friend of hers told her to start a diary, and write letters to her future children, so that when her child is old enough she can give the book to him/her & that child will then know how loved and wanted he/she was. I have the absolute worst hand writing ever, so I was thinking of creating another blog on here just for that. My only concern would be that that many years from now blogger may be gone or something. I think that would help give me a little peace too though.
I dont want you viewers reading this to thing that I am a depressing person, I am far from depressing. I just love to blog about my miscarriages because these things are on my mind, so I feel the need to get them out in the open.
Here are a few quotes I want to share:
"After a miscarriage, you grieve for a person you never knew, and for a relationship that ended before it really began. You grieve not for a person who has lived and died but for an unlived life. You grieve for the loss of your future as the parent of the baby who has died. You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be."
"A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven't. Most don't mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn't happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had.
But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she'll know."
"You can’t grasp the loss until you understand the gain." ". . . what I can’t understand is why our story has to be a secret. When a family member dies, you grieve with the support of all the people in your life. But when the baby growing inside of you dies, you lock the sorrow inside your house and walk around in the outside world as if nothing has been lost. So I'm done keeping this a secret."
We know we'll have a baby. And we're going to have the baby we're supposed to have. Whatever baby we end up with will be the right baby. Our baby. And we know that we'll hold that child and think, "If our journey had been easy, we wouldn't have you." ~Emily Giffin (Baby Proof)
No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why
"To Remember Is Painful, To Forget Is Impossible."
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"
"My heart is broken, but not my spirit. My desire to be have a child is greater than a fear of another miscarriage"
"THE CHILD WE HAD, BUT NEVER HAD. AND YET WE'LL HAVE FOREVER."
How very softly you tiptoed into my world. Almost silently. Only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left upon my heart." ~Author Unknown
Our Angel Babies were too precious for earth... They would have made all the babies here so jealous.
"Just because a woman loses her baby does not mean that she is not a mother anymore. She will be a mother for the rest of her life."
"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But... there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is."
A heart that has been truly broken can never truly heal. It just learns to beat through the pain.
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down our babies birth, and whispered as she close the book....."Too beautiful for earth."
"Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too PRECIOUS to forget!"
"Our hearts still ache with sadness, And Secret tears still flow, Was it meant to lose you, No one can ever know."
"Loved with a love beyond telling, Missed with a grief beyond all tears."
Heres the video Amber made!
<3<3<3
Dates I'll always remember
First off I want to say I absolutely hate the 15th, so I was wondering if we could just cut that day of of each month, k thanks!
So you know how we all have dates that will stick in your head no matter how many years its been, for instance..your wedding date, the day you started dating your s/o, your close friends & friends birthday, your childrens birthdays. Well the other day I was thinking about that. I have so many dates that I really believe I will NEVER forget. Its amazing to be that is has been almost 4 years since my miscarriage, yet I still remember the exact dates, and even the exact days. These are the dates of my pregnancies, days that will stick with me forever I am sure.
My first pregnancy:
August 13th –Took HPT because I was going to stop trying so I figured I might as well take it to get it out of the house- to my surprise it was a BFP! I called Sandra right away & told her, next I told Justin, then my mom (gosh I was scared to tell her lol).
August 15th –Planned parenthood confirmed I was pregnant!
September 13th –Went in for our first ultrasound at 8weeks, we found out we were losing the baby
September 15th –Started bleeding, we lost our angel
Jan 6-7, 2007- At my birthday party I started bleeding at first we thought it was just my period or something, but I was in a lot of pain & we didn't know why (6th), the next day (7th) I passed the second baby (didn’t know it was a baby at the time though, just thought it was tissue or something- even though it looked exactly like the first baby I had passed.
Second pregnancy:
Its amazing to me that I would have twin 4 year olds running around. And would be 21 weeks pregnant right now. We only want 2-3 children, so after this baby would have been born our family would have complete.
So one of my friends here at Ft. Bliss just recently had a miscarriage, so she decided to create an event called 'angel baby bubble memorial'. We all met at the px & we blew bubbles for our angels in heaven. We would have done balloons but being that so many were coming (36 RSVPED yes on the event- most blew bubbles from home though) she figured bubbles would be better for the environment! I will post a video at the end of this blog from the event! Justin & I actually did a balloon release on prom night after the first miscarriage, we went out to Hagar Shore & we wrote all over the balloons & sent them out to heaven. It amazing, we took quite a few pictures but now they are locked onto photobucket somewhere, that I have no access too. But the memory is still very much alive for me. I have been thinking of doing another one, I may let 3 go, one for each of my children, I want to do it alone though. Not even with Justin. I want to write all over the balloons & send them up for my babies.
A friend of mine told me about this idea that I am about to share, and I absolutely love it. She said that a friend of hers told her to start a diary, and write letters to her future children, so that when her child is old enough she can give the book to him/her & that child will then know how loved and wanted he/she was. I have the absolute worst hand writing ever, so I was thinking of creating another blog on here just for that. My only concern would be that that many years from now blogger may be gone or something. I think that would help give me a little peace too though.
I dont want you viewers reading this to thing that I am a depressing person, I am far from depressing. I just love to blog about my miscarriages because these things are on my mind, so I feel the need to get them out in the open.
Here are a few quotes I want to share:
"After a miscarriage, you grieve for a person you never knew, and for a relationship that ended before it really began. You grieve not for a person who has lived and died but for an unlived life. You grieve for the loss of your future as the parent of the baby who has died. You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be."
"A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven't. Most don't mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn't happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had.
But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she'll know."
"You can’t grasp the loss until you understand the gain." ". . . what I can’t understand is why our story has to be a secret. When a family member dies, you grieve with the support of all the people in your life. But when the baby growing inside of you dies, you lock the sorrow inside your house and walk around in the outside world as if nothing has been lost. So I'm done keeping this a secret."
We know we'll have a baby. And we're going to have the baby we're supposed to have. Whatever baby we end up with will be the right baby. Our baby. And we know that we'll hold that child and think, "If our journey had been easy, we wouldn't have you." ~Emily Giffin (Baby Proof)
No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why
"To Remember Is Painful, To Forget Is Impossible."
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"
"My heart is broken, but not my spirit. My desire to be have a child is greater than a fear of another miscarriage"
"THE CHILD WE HAD, BUT NEVER HAD. AND YET WE'LL HAVE FOREVER."
How very softly you tiptoed into my world. Almost silently. Only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left upon my heart." ~Author Unknown
Our Angel Babies were too precious for earth... They would have made all the babies here so jealous.
"Just because a woman loses her baby does not mean that she is not a mother anymore. She will be a mother for the rest of her life."
"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But... there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is."
A heart that has been truly broken can never truly heal. It just learns to beat through the pain.
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down our babies birth, and whispered as she close the book....."Too beautiful for earth."
"Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too PRECIOUS to forget!"
"Our hearts still ache with sadness, And Secret tears still flow, Was it meant to lose you, No one can ever know."
"Loved with a love beyond telling, Missed with a grief beyond all tears."
Heres the video Amber made!
<3<3<3
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
blessed & remembering I am not alone
I just want to say THANK YOU to my oh so wonderful husband who decided to share his cold with me. I knew as soon as he started to get sick I was going to get it, I asked him how it started so I could be prepared. And sure enough- today my throat started hurting. I know we share everything together, but THIS is not something I wanted to share, haha. I've been doing sooo good not getting colds ever since I started taking my immune support vitamins...sure enough I started slacking & didn't take it all this week & boom a cold comes sneaking in, haha. At least it's just now starting to maybeee I can stop it, or at least not let it get too bad.
Doctors appointment= love. I met my newww fertility doctor yesterday. I must say, I loved him. He told me (as they all do) that I am young, two miscarriages IS normal - which again I knew - he told me that doctors all over the world agree that you don't have an issue until you have 3 or more miscarriages. However, he is STILL going to help me. Which I find amazing. We started by discussing family history and my history. I then went on to get a pelvic exam (I kept saying pap but after talking to my mom I realized it was a pelvic lol), he said everything looked normal. He did ask if where he was touching hurt-the left side did but the right side didn't at all. He said the left side seemed tender and he would keep an eye on it and try to figure out why. Then I went over to quest to get blood work, they took 10 tubes & tested for several things. I go back in two weeks for a ultrasound and to get my results from the blood test. If anything is seriously wrong they will call me. Two weeks after my ultrasound I will have another appointment to discus the results of that & to plan the next step. He has HIGH hopes that I will get pregnant && have a successful pregnancy. I am extremely happy with the way things turned out. Oh and he sat down & told me all of the reasons that could cause miscarriage..it was a little scary to hear, but we are testing for all of those things so I will find out soon enough. Nowww can two weeks fly by for me please?
Justin had CQ last night, so it was just me hanging out at the house. It was actually kind of relaxing I just watched TV & played on facebook. Until I got a migraine, that part wasn't fun, so I took some meds & slept it off-Thankfuly that worked. During the day I went shopping with Vicki, we went to kohls-picked out everything we wanted & then realized that her coupon wasn't until Weds, so we left, haha. Since Justin had CQ last night, he obviously has the day off today, so we are just hanging out!<3 Sometimes I wish he NEVER had to work, haha. We could just spend all the time together, but then I realize that we would DEFF drive each other NUTSSSSS.
So Amber & I started talking about making our own page on facebook, we made Think Positive: Infertility support, we just made it like last week and we are already up to 200 likes. Its amazing. I think I love that page so much because people are so active on there, and that page means something! Although, I'm NOT going to lie it breaks my heart to see ALL of these women struggling with infertility & miscarriage. It sure shows a lot of women that are ARE NOT alone though. You know, as crapy as this journey has been I believe it happened for a reason. Maybe that reason is to help others? When I hear a story of a women who was TTC for YEARS and then gets pregnant, I just want to cry for her. It seriously makes me so happy. Or those women who go through several loss's and then finally get their miracle they were trying so hard for. It breaks my heart that they went through that much pain, but I know that the struggle made them better parents. When it takes you a while to get pregnant, you really start to understand how you got pregnant. I know with my first pregnancy I was like eh I had sex everyday an got pregnant. With my second though I knew how that baby was made, it was amazing. I certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I am starting to realize that there is a reason that its happening like this. I don't care what anyone says, the harder you work to get pregnant & the more you go through...the more appreciative you are. I never thought I would appreciate having a period every month, but I do. Because I know that because of that awful thing every month, I have a chance every month to conceive my child. I can't tell you HOW thankful I am that I have been pregnant twice, and that my cycle is regular...I am just praying soo hard that I don't have to endure any more loss's, because as strong as I am- I don't know if I can handle another one. Although, if you would have asked me before I would have told you I couldn't imagine surviving 2. & I have done that. All I know is GOD is on my side, and I am very blessed to have everything in my life. For the first time since Jan, I feel totally happy. I feel like this is my purpose in life, to be there to show others that they are NOT alone!<3
Some people don't agree that I am a mother-and thats fine. But one thing I would like to say about that is, I may not be a mother like YOU who has your child on earth, but I do everything I can every month to get pregnant, I treat my body like its pregnant every month -just in case - I have 3 beautiful angels in heaven. Which I have to say is more children that a lot of my friends have on earth. I wanted my babies, I tried for them, I did everything I could to get pregnant, I love them still to this day -and always will...& if that isn't a mother then I don't know what is.<3
Doctors appointment= love. I met my newww fertility doctor yesterday. I must say, I loved him. He told me (as they all do) that I am young, two miscarriages IS normal - which again I knew - he told me that doctors all over the world agree that you don't have an issue until you have 3 or more miscarriages. However, he is STILL going to help me. Which I find amazing. We started by discussing family history and my history. I then went on to get a pelvic exam (I kept saying pap but after talking to my mom I realized it was a pelvic lol), he said everything looked normal. He did ask if where he was touching hurt-the left side did but the right side didn't at all. He said the left side seemed tender and he would keep an eye on it and try to figure out why. Then I went over to quest to get blood work, they took 10 tubes & tested for several things. I go back in two weeks for a ultrasound and to get my results from the blood test. If anything is seriously wrong they will call me. Two weeks after my ultrasound I will have another appointment to discus the results of that & to plan the next step. He has HIGH hopes that I will get pregnant && have a successful pregnancy. I am extremely happy with the way things turned out. Oh and he sat down & told me all of the reasons that could cause miscarriage..it was a little scary to hear, but we are testing for all of those things so I will find out soon enough. Nowww can two weeks fly by for me please?
Justin had CQ last night, so it was just me hanging out at the house. It was actually kind of relaxing I just watched TV & played on facebook. Until I got a migraine, that part wasn't fun, so I took some meds & slept it off-Thankfuly that worked. During the day I went shopping with Vicki, we went to kohls-picked out everything we wanted & then realized that her coupon wasn't until Weds, so we left, haha. Since Justin had CQ last night, he obviously has the day off today, so we are just hanging out!<3 Sometimes I wish he NEVER had to work, haha. We could just spend all the time together, but then I realize that we would DEFF drive each other NUTSSSSS.
So Amber & I started talking about making our own page on facebook, we made Think Positive: Infertility support, we just made it like last week and we are already up to 200 likes. Its amazing. I think I love that page so much because people are so active on there, and that page means something! Although, I'm NOT going to lie it breaks my heart to see ALL of these women struggling with infertility & miscarriage. It sure shows a lot of women that are ARE NOT alone though. You know, as crapy as this journey has been I believe it happened for a reason. Maybe that reason is to help others? When I hear a story of a women who was TTC for YEARS and then gets pregnant, I just want to cry for her. It seriously makes me so happy. Or those women who go through several loss's and then finally get their miracle they were trying so hard for. It breaks my heart that they went through that much pain, but I know that the struggle made them better parents. When it takes you a while to get pregnant, you really start to understand how you got pregnant. I know with my first pregnancy I was like eh I had sex everyday an got pregnant. With my second though I knew how that baby was made, it was amazing. I certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I am starting to realize that there is a reason that its happening like this. I don't care what anyone says, the harder you work to get pregnant & the more you go through...the more appreciative you are. I never thought I would appreciate having a period every month, but I do. Because I know that because of that awful thing every month, I have a chance every month to conceive my child. I can't tell you HOW thankful I am that I have been pregnant twice, and that my cycle is regular...I am just praying soo hard that I don't have to endure any more loss's, because as strong as I am- I don't know if I can handle another one. Although, if you would have asked me before I would have told you I couldn't imagine surviving 2. & I have done that. All I know is GOD is on my side, and I am very blessed to have everything in my life. For the first time since Jan, I feel totally happy. I feel like this is my purpose in life, to be there to show others that they are NOT alone!<3
Some people don't agree that I am a mother-and thats fine. But one thing I would like to say about that is, I may not be a mother like YOU who has your child on earth, but I do everything I can every month to get pregnant, I treat my body like its pregnant every month -just in case - I have 3 beautiful angels in heaven. Which I have to say is more children that a lot of my friends have on earth. I wanted my babies, I tried for them, I did everything I could to get pregnant, I love them still to this day -and always will...& if that isn't a mother then I don't know what is.<3
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mothers Day
Happy Mothers day to ALL of the Mothers out there, those with children in their arms, those with children in heaven, those children in their hearts and those with children in their dreams! You are all mothers!♥
Two beautiful poems that I wanted to share, for Mothers Day!
Happy Mother's Day
it comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.
It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.
But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?
It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.
An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.
She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.
All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.
So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!
I thought of you and closed my eyes. And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say, A mother has a baby. This we know is true. But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you? Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice. I give many women babies. When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this. God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say, "We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear. My Mommy loved me, Oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me, I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy, Oh so much, but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, 'Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'" So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are okay. Your babies are here in MY home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with ME until your lesson is through. And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother— It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, until their time is done. They'll be up here with ME one day, and know you're the best one.
So of course today is a very hard day, as every mothers day has, since 2007. As the years passed Mothers Day got just a little bit easier. Then I lost the baby this year, sooo back to the painful Mothers Day. I have to say that I have some really amazing family & friends that are there for me. And it means so much that they recognize that I am a mother. Even though my children aren't here with me, they are in Heaven with God. It's kind of crazy, I have so many friends who have lost or just can't get pregnant, and its sad because I know how painful this day is for them. I just want to give them all huge hugs & tell them how amazing they are!<3
My mom sent me the most AMAZING mothers day gift! She made me a picture with the poem about (makes a mother one), with three beautiful pictures behind it. One is a picture of our lake, one is a double rainbow I took here & the last one is a picture of the sky I took. She send it in a frame, the glass broke, but thats OK. Its beautiful & so perfect. I just can't believe how blessed I am to have such an amazing Mother! I have decided since I have so many remembrance things. & I just got that, and I also ordered this beautiful Angel with her child with an adorable quote, I also have my angel of remembrance, a few little angels & my picture of my ultrasound picture & a picture of me pregnant (my first time) that I am going to buy a shelve for my spare bedroom & then I am going to put all of these things up in that room. Since that room with be the nursery whenever I do get my miracle!<3 That room will be my children's room! I can not even wait to start making that room so perfect. Its deff something that makes me so excited! I finally feel like that isn't just 'a spare room'. Its a special room.
Yesterday I went with Jena, Jess & Amber to get manicures & pedicures. I must say, it was AMAZING. I had never gotten a pedi before & I can't believe that was what I was missing all of this time! I will DEFF be back. The manicure was awesome too, & I got it just because I was spoiling myself-so I probably won't get manicures anymore because I can just paint my finger nails-or have a friend do it;) But the pedicure, ohhhh yeah. ;) Then I went to a slumber party, it was a lot of fun!:) Except I was sooo sick, and still am. I realized yesterday I only had a bowl of cereal & then a little bit of buffalo chicken dip at the party....and today its already two and I have only had a hunny bun...anyone that knows me knows I eat SOO much. So I must really be sick, I just don't feel hungry. Blah. I'm sure I will feel better soon though!:)
Tomorrow Justin has CQ, ohhh so fun! & I have my doctors appointment..I cannot even waitttt to meet my doctor & see what he has to say. I REALLY hope that he starts testing tomorrow...and we can see whats going on. I am very excited, but a tad bit nervous. Because you just never know whats going to happen! But I have hope!!
Well, thats all for today!<3 I hope that everyone has a wonderful Mothers Day.<3
Two beautiful poems that I wanted to share, for Mothers Day!
Happy Mother's Day
it comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.
It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.
But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?
It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.
An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.
She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.
All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.
So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!
I thought of you and closed my eyes. And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say, A mother has a baby. This we know is true. But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you? Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice. I give many women babies. When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this. God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say, "We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear. My Mommy loved me, Oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me, I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy, Oh so much, but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, 'Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'" So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are okay. Your babies are here in MY home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with ME until your lesson is through. And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother— It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, until their time is done. They'll be up here with ME one day, and know you're the best one.
So of course today is a very hard day, as every mothers day has, since 2007. As the years passed Mothers Day got just a little bit easier. Then I lost the baby this year, sooo back to the painful Mothers Day. I have to say that I have some really amazing family & friends that are there for me. And it means so much that they recognize that I am a mother. Even though my children aren't here with me, they are in Heaven with God. It's kind of crazy, I have so many friends who have lost or just can't get pregnant, and its sad because I know how painful this day is for them. I just want to give them all huge hugs & tell them how amazing they are!<3
My mom sent me the most AMAZING mothers day gift! She made me a picture with the poem about (makes a mother one), with three beautiful pictures behind it. One is a picture of our lake, one is a double rainbow I took here & the last one is a picture of the sky I took. She send it in a frame, the glass broke, but thats OK. Its beautiful & so perfect. I just can't believe how blessed I am to have such an amazing Mother! I have decided since I have so many remembrance things. & I just got that, and I also ordered this beautiful Angel with her child with an adorable quote, I also have my angel of remembrance, a few little angels & my picture of my ultrasound picture & a picture of me pregnant (my first time) that I am going to buy a shelve for my spare bedroom & then I am going to put all of these things up in that room. Since that room with be the nursery whenever I do get my miracle!<3 That room will be my children's room! I can not even wait to start making that room so perfect. Its deff something that makes me so excited! I finally feel like that isn't just 'a spare room'. Its a special room.
Yesterday I went with Jena, Jess & Amber to get manicures & pedicures. I must say, it was AMAZING. I had never gotten a pedi before & I can't believe that was what I was missing all of this time! I will DEFF be back. The manicure was awesome too, & I got it just because I was spoiling myself-so I probably won't get manicures anymore because I can just paint my finger nails-or have a friend do it;) But the pedicure, ohhhh yeah. ;) Then I went to a slumber party, it was a lot of fun!:) Except I was sooo sick, and still am. I realized yesterday I only had a bowl of cereal & then a little bit of buffalo chicken dip at the party....and today its already two and I have only had a hunny bun...anyone that knows me knows I eat SOO much. So I must really be sick, I just don't feel hungry. Blah. I'm sure I will feel better soon though!:)
Tomorrow Justin has CQ, ohhh so fun! & I have my doctors appointment..I cannot even waitttt to meet my doctor & see what he has to say. I REALLY hope that he starts testing tomorrow...and we can see whats going on. I am very excited, but a tad bit nervous. Because you just never know whats going to happen! But I have hope!!
Well, thats all for today!<3 I hope that everyone has a wonderful Mothers Day.<3
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Yeah shes venting-again.
AF dropped by for a nice little visit today. LATE. Stupid bitch is never late. Last time she was late, I was pregnant. So yesterday as the day went on and on, and there was not a drop of blood insight I was the happiest girl ever. At 4:30 I decided to take a test (with the push of my friends ha)-BFN. So then I told myself, well when I WAS pregnant it didn't show up BFP till two days later. So I told myself MAYBE, just MAYBE. I started praying..and praying hard. Well I had some VERY minor spotting, so I knew it was over. Even with a drop of blood, you just know. I wanted to die, no Im not kidding. I did. I haven't been this upset about my period coming in a while. The only thinking making this pain bearable, is that fact that I have my appointment next week. I am praying this doctor can see whats in my heart, and realize that I want this more then anything in the world-and help make it happen!
I don't complain about my husband very often online, but today I am. And I really don't care what you think. I love Justin so much, he really is a great husband. But sometimes I really feel like I am going through the pain of losing our babies myself. And the struggles of ttc all by myself. I seriously can't talk to him about it, because hes sick of hearing it. Which I understand, I am obsessed with babies, getting pregnant, miscarriage, infertility ...all of it. I think about it 24/7 & I talk about it 24/7. He doesn't want to hear it. And he DOESNT know what to say to make me feel better. But sometimes I honestly don't even think he TRYS to care, or to make me feel better. It's like he thinks I am stupid. Don't get me wrong, I know hes upset about losing the baby. but he SERIOUSLY feels like when its time to get pregnant it will 'just happen'. He wants a baby, but he wants to just have sex whenever we want, and then one day just realize my period was late & take a test & celebrate. He HATES that I am counting down the days till I ovulate, he hates that I am counting down the seconds till my period. He REALLY wants it to happen naturally. But the think is, its not going to. We have been trying a whole 13months. & for the first few months we didn't know when I was ovulating or anything so we just kind of had sex whenever. It didn't work. I'm not saying there is FOR SURE something wrong & we CANT get pregnant naturally, but there is DEFF something wrong with me that I have had two miscarriages both at 5weeks ((well my first one I was 8weeks when I found out I was miscarrying, but my baby died at 5weeks). And I am not going to just wait around for us to lose another baby before I get it figured out. I know he hates that we are going through this, and wants it to be easy. But so do I! And I know your probably thinking, wow shes selfish why doesn't she just TALK TO HIM about the problems shes having. And shut your fucking mouth right now. Because I have! SEVERAL times. He doesn't understand, I swear he thinks I should be like him & not let it get to me, or bother me....just bottle my emotions up like he does. Well babe-its not going to work like that. Ah, I wish I could just choke him and make him listen lol. And be more sensitive. Babe-I love you more then anything, I just wish you would understand the pain I am in.
Just to let you know-I know I am very blessed. And sometimes I need to say the reasons why I am blessed out loud. But I know Im blessed. I can honestly say I love everything about my life except that I can't get pregnant, or can get pregnant but can't stay pregnant. And its horrible that JUST that is weighting me down soo much. I have so many loving people in my life, but sometimes I want to even push them away. I have several people in my life that understand what I am going through, sometimes I dont want to talk to them either, because I feel like when I do I am just reminding them of their own pain. This is such a horrible battle. And I hate it. But the good news is, one of these days this entire horrible battle is going to be MORE then worth it. When I get super down I just remember how happy I was when I found out I was pregnant. I remember me & Sandra jumping up & down screaming. I remember calling everyone to tell them the news, and watching my facebook blow up with people who couldn't have been happier for me. Then I imagine myself decorating a nursery, I imagine myself with a huge belly...and then I imagine being able to go into labor & taking that child home with me. And I remember that this struggle IS temporary & in the end-its going to be amazing. I remember that I am lucky enough that because I went through this I am going to appreciate EVERYTHING!
..someday we WILL get our miracle<3
I don't complain about my husband very often online, but today I am. And I really don't care what you think. I love Justin so much, he really is a great husband. But sometimes I really feel like I am going through the pain of losing our babies myself. And the struggles of ttc all by myself. I seriously can't talk to him about it, because hes sick of hearing it. Which I understand, I am obsessed with babies, getting pregnant, miscarriage, infertility ...all of it. I think about it 24/7 & I talk about it 24/7. He doesn't want to hear it. And he DOESNT know what to say to make me feel better. But sometimes I honestly don't even think he TRYS to care, or to make me feel better. It's like he thinks I am stupid. Don't get me wrong, I know hes upset about losing the baby. but he SERIOUSLY feels like when its time to get pregnant it will 'just happen'. He wants a baby, but he wants to just have sex whenever we want, and then one day just realize my period was late & take a test & celebrate. He HATES that I am counting down the days till I ovulate, he hates that I am counting down the seconds till my period. He REALLY wants it to happen naturally. But the think is, its not going to. We have been trying a whole 13months. & for the first few months we didn't know when I was ovulating or anything so we just kind of had sex whenever. It didn't work. I'm not saying there is FOR SURE something wrong & we CANT get pregnant naturally, but there is DEFF something wrong with me that I have had two miscarriages both at 5weeks ((well my first one I was 8weeks when I found out I was miscarrying, but my baby died at 5weeks). And I am not going to just wait around for us to lose another baby before I get it figured out. I know he hates that we are going through this, and wants it to be easy. But so do I! And I know your probably thinking, wow shes selfish why doesn't she just TALK TO HIM about the problems shes having. And shut your fucking mouth right now. Because I have! SEVERAL times. He doesn't understand, I swear he thinks I should be like him & not let it get to me, or bother me....just bottle my emotions up like he does. Well babe-its not going to work like that. Ah, I wish I could just choke him and make him listen lol. And be more sensitive. Babe-I love you more then anything, I just wish you would understand the pain I am in.
Just to let you know-I know I am very blessed. And sometimes I need to say the reasons why I am blessed out loud. But I know Im blessed. I can honestly say I love everything about my life except that I can't get pregnant, or can get pregnant but can't stay pregnant. And its horrible that JUST that is weighting me down soo much. I have so many loving people in my life, but sometimes I want to even push them away. I have several people in my life that understand what I am going through, sometimes I dont want to talk to them either, because I feel like when I do I am just reminding them of their own pain. This is such a horrible battle. And I hate it. But the good news is, one of these days this entire horrible battle is going to be MORE then worth it. When I get super down I just remember how happy I was when I found out I was pregnant. I remember me & Sandra jumping up & down screaming. I remember calling everyone to tell them the news, and watching my facebook blow up with people who couldn't have been happier for me. Then I imagine myself decorating a nursery, I imagine myself with a huge belly...and then I imagine being able to go into labor & taking that child home with me. And I remember that this struggle IS temporary & in the end-its going to be amazing. I remember that I am lucky enough that because I went through this I am going to appreciate EVERYTHING!
..someday we WILL get our miracle<3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)