AF dropped by for a nice little visit today. LATE. Stupid bitch is never late. Last time she was late, I was pregnant. So yesterday as the day went on and on, and there was not a drop of blood insight I was the happiest girl ever. At 4:30 I decided to take a test (with the push of my friends ha)-BFN. So then I told myself, well when I WAS pregnant it didn't show up BFP till two days later. So I told myself MAYBE, just MAYBE. I started praying..and praying hard. Well I had some VERY minor spotting, so I knew it was over. Even with a drop of blood, you just know. I wanted to die, no Im not kidding. I did. I haven't been this upset about my period coming in a while. The only thinking making this pain bearable, is that fact that I have my appointment next week. I am praying this doctor can see whats in my heart, and realize that I want this more then anything in the world-and help make it happen!
I don't complain about my husband very often online, but today I am. And I really don't care what you think. I love Justin so much, he really is a great husband. But sometimes I really feel like I am going through the pain of losing our babies myself. And the struggles of ttc all by myself. I seriously can't talk to him about it, because hes sick of hearing it. Which I understand, I am obsessed with babies, getting pregnant, miscarriage, infertility ...all of it. I think about it 24/7 & I talk about it 24/7. He doesn't want to hear it. And he DOESNT know what to say to make me feel better. But sometimes I honestly don't even think he TRYS to care, or to make me feel better. It's like he thinks I am stupid. Don't get me wrong, I know hes upset about losing the baby. but he SERIOUSLY feels like when its time to get pregnant it will 'just happen'. He wants a baby, but he wants to just have sex whenever we want, and then one day just realize my period was late & take a test & celebrate. He HATES that I am counting down the days till I ovulate, he hates that I am counting down the seconds till my period. He REALLY wants it to happen naturally. But the think is, its not going to. We have been trying a whole 13months. & for the first few months we didn't know when I was ovulating or anything so we just kind of had sex whenever. It didn't work. I'm not saying there is FOR SURE something wrong & we CANT get pregnant naturally, but there is DEFF something wrong with me that I have had two miscarriages both at 5weeks ((well my first one I was 8weeks when I found out I was miscarrying, but my baby died at 5weeks). And I am not going to just wait around for us to lose another baby before I get it figured out. I know he hates that we are going through this, and wants it to be easy. But so do I! And I know your probably thinking, wow shes selfish why doesn't she just TALK TO HIM about the problems shes having. And shut your fucking mouth right now. Because I have! SEVERAL times. He doesn't understand, I swear he thinks I should be like him & not let it get to me, or bother me....just bottle my emotions up like he does. Well babe-its not going to work like that. Ah, I wish I could just choke him and make him listen lol. And be more sensitive. Babe-I love you more then anything, I just wish you would understand the pain I am in.
Just to let you know-I know I am very blessed. And sometimes I need to say the reasons why I am blessed out loud. But I know Im blessed. I can honestly say I love everything about my life except that I can't get pregnant, or can get pregnant but can't stay pregnant. And its horrible that JUST that is weighting me down soo much. I have so many loving people in my life, but sometimes I want to even push them away. I have several people in my life that understand what I am going through, sometimes I dont want to talk to them either, because I feel like when I do I am just reminding them of their own pain. This is such a horrible battle. And I hate it. But the good news is, one of these days this entire horrible battle is going to be MORE then worth it. When I get super down I just remember how happy I was when I found out I was pregnant. I remember me & Sandra jumping up & down screaming. I remember calling everyone to tell them the news, and watching my facebook blow up with people who couldn't have been happier for me. Then I imagine myself decorating a nursery, I imagine myself with a huge belly...and then I imagine being able to go into labor & taking that child home with me. And I remember that this struggle IS temporary & in the end-its going to be amazing. I remember that I am lucky enough that because I went through this I am going to appreciate EVERYTHING!
..someday we WILL get our miracle<3
Wow.. Yeah I get how you want a baby.. ur husband has to do his army thing and when he takes off you want that special someone there.. like a little girl waddling around in ur shoes or a little boy trying to play video games.. my mom went threw wanting and trying to have a baby and she tried for a LONG time.. but now she has me.. so just relax. any stress you put on u will just make it harder.. god will give you ur baby.. just keep praying.
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