A lot as happend since my last blog. I got pregnant & lost the baby. Yay for my SECOND pregnancy ending in a miscarriage......lovelyyy huh.
HOWEVER I musttt say I found this amazing website 999reasonstolaugh its basically a bunch of blogs about not being able to get pregnant. (while I obviously can get pregnant..I can't keep the babies)...Its just a great blogs..I started at now (Jan) and I am already reading into June. Addcited much? I'd say so.
So LATELYYY...Ive been pretty much acting like I am okay (and sometimes I am) but honestly, Im not..Im not strong like everyone thinks I am...Im not this amazing person that can handle everything. I wish I was...but at least Im doing a great job hiding it:) Till now, when I bitch. The truth is though. Im hiding it, because I know how quickly people judge around here...and Im VERYYYY hormonal (you think your horomal because your pregnant...try having a miscarriage, I am homornal because my levels are off...ANDDD because I just lost a baby) lately I haven't wanted people to judge me....but Ive also been being a super bitch...and being a lot more honest. Sorry if you can't handle it, but theres the door & you can PEACE the fuck out bitch! I dont have time for unsupportive people....(not that anyone hasnt been). I guess I feel like I knowwww at least someone out there is like omggg...blah blah blah talking thier shit. And honestly, why do I care? I have no clue...but I do. Im so worried about how other people are juding me-people who have never walked in my shoes, people who have never lost (and I pray to GOD they NEVER do)..why I care? Shit I have no clue.
Ive been such a bitch latly, well I guess bitch is the word some would use-I like the word HONEST. Its probably not going to be easy to be my friend the next few months...or longer, who really knows. But hey, if they are true friends they willlllll stick by my side! Plain & simple!
Lately, I have been surrounding myself with friends...staying busy, clinging to thier children (wishing they were mine)...and bascially just trying to hang out & have a great time. Its been working, for the most part. Evenings are when it gets worse. Why? Because I am with my husband, the one who knows me inside and out...the one that can tell by the look on my face thatI am not okay. The one person (theres more then just him but yeah) that I can tell ANYTHING to, and I know he won't judge me. I couldn't be more thankful for my amazing (very annoying at times) husband. I really love him.
Recently I have been talking to a lot women who are having trouble conceiving, or have lost...and its heartbreaking. It's even more heartbreaking that we have ALLLL these people that get pregnant 'on accident'-loveeee it. Not. Or get pregnant quicky-and dont apperciate it. I must say I used to like teen mom, but since my miscarriage, I CAN NOT watch that shit.
I know Im angry, and Im bitching a lot...but hey its my blog..if you don't like it-don't fucking read it. Its not really that hard.
Someeeeeday I will get my amazing gift from God, I know I will..and you know what I will apperciate everything MUCH more then most parents.<3 I know that I am a crazy freak...
I feel much better...with that being said-I am getting off to cuddle & be held by that amazing husband of mine!<3
TO ALL MY AMAZING FRIENDS- I can't thank you enough for listening to me ramble on about my crazy pregnancy obessions, my random crying, my YELLING and SCREAMING about how its not fair & all of the other crazy mood swings you people have delt with. You are all amazing<3
Sincerly,
the crazy lady that wants a child more then anything in the world...
and is more then obessed with it
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