Homesick

I am extremely homesick. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Ft. Bliss, I love the army (most of the time), I love my friends, I pretty much just love my life. But I miss home. Every time a plan a trip home the months leading up to it are killer. I was doing really good until my mom and sister came to visit. And now since we planned to go home next month...Im dying. Its all I think about. Then I realize I'm leaving on the 30th of July and we have to be back on the 14th of Aug -and we are driving. It seems like thats not enough time at home AT ALL. The army should just give Justin a month off for block leave. That sounds like a really good idea to me! haha. I was just reading a friends blog and she was talking about being home, which made me want to go home EVEN more, haha. Ahhh...this is the army, and while I love it...I just think they should move Ft. Bliss a little closer to home! Honestly, I would even be happy with 12 hours away. 26 seems like so far away. Sighhhh...owell once Aug hits Ill be home!! and then not too much longer I'll be back home for Christmas.

Other then being homesick, Justins been in the field all month. He comes home on weekends, except this weekend. Next weekend they have a 4 day, but he has guard so again for the second time he only gets a 3 day. But I am just thankful hes coming home for at least 3 days:) and that his guard didn't fall on our ovulation, not that it mattered anyways. After that he goes back for 2 more weeks then hes done, finally. I'm so glad he gets to come home for weekends, but with all this field training I'm seeing what the army is really like. I don't mind it so much, mostly because I am just so thankful hes not deploying anytime soon. But the house sure is lonely without him. The dogs make it a lot better though, I must say. Also friends, if I didn't have friends I think I'd go absolutely crazy. Someday I'll have kids to add to the mix, then it deff won't be so bad, or so lonely.

You know whats crazy...I'd be so pregnant right now. Big belly, already knowing the sex, shopping, planning baby showers, getting ready for a baby to born at the end of September, happiest girl in the world. Instead I look down to an empty belly,  periods every month, tracking ovulation, and being depressed. It sucks. It really sucks. I wanted to be pregnant by September, so it would be like I would have either had this baby, or the other baby. The way things are looking that is not going to happen. Even if I did get pregnant before September, Ive still been trying another 6 months. When September comes, and I start fertility meds - I will have been TTC 18 months. Look at that number, what a depressing number. Sure I did get pregnant in the mix, but I had a horrible miscarriage, so whats the point in that. You know, Ive said it before, but its crazy - how can my life be sooo perfectly amazing yet theres one thing missing that causes depression? Ive been asking myself that for months, its crazy. However, lately I have been doing much better about being so depressed...I just remind myself the good in it taking so long. Theres not many good things about it, but I can find a few. Sometimes I wonder if because I think of those good things God thinks I don't need a baby? Then I realize how stupid that actually sounds. My mind does play tricks on me though. The only thing I am certain of is when it does happen for us -we are going to appreciate the things most parents take for granted. And thats enough to make me smile!

I've been thinking its about time to go back to school. My friend goes to this online school, its for Military families only. I can't remember the name -ever. But I am thinking that once we get back from block leave, I'll start back up again. That way when I'm home I can go back to LMC and get my transcripts, and get started. I am a little scared, actually a lot scared. But I know that I can DEFF do it. It's not like I do anything else like seriously. The only reason I haven't went back so far is because I honestly just don't know what I want to do with my life. So Im just going to get a general degree so I do a bunch of different things. My newest love is being a vet tech. Before my choices were based on money, but now that Justin is talking about staying in the army 20 years, I don't really have to worry about money. I can do something that makes decent money and something I would love to do. I'd also love to work in a nursing home, call me crazy but I just think as hard as that job would be, Id love it. And it would be so rewarding. I want to do something rewarding, something that helps people or animals. I want to do something that means something to someone. Id actually love to work at the animal services place where I got my dogs. The only problem is I think my big ol heart would want to take all of them home. Even though I'm upset with the way things happened with Bella getting parvo, I do realize it wasn't there fault. I just wish they would give shots as soon as the dogs walk in the door....but I understand why that don't. So many dogs a killed each day it would be so costly to give them all shots. I also wish that as soon as you say you want a dog they get their shots. Buttttt thats life, things don't always happen as you want them too. But maybe I'll go apply down there, I can help families adopt dogs and give them new homes. That itself would be rewarding, if its too hard I quit. Not a big deal, right? Idk. I guess I'll have to give it a little more thought.