Pregnant!!

Well first off IM PREGNANT!! :DD How? I have no clue. This is first month I haven't tracked anything. I don't even know when I had sex. I mean I know about when, because Justin was only home like one weekend haha. But I was supposed to not ovulate till the 8th, he left on the 4th to go back to the field...ohhhh crap. I've been saying he left the 4th, he left the 5th. DUH the 4th was the 4th of July...that makes a little more sense haha. Well anyways, I dont know if ovulation still came a day or two earlier because my last period was WEIRD 4 days of spotting 4 days of regular cycle. That like never happens, haha. Actually the last 2 were like that. But anyways, so I didn't think I would get pregnant. Not to mention, I had a trip planning going home, so I figured if I didn't get pregnant this month no biggie. haha! okkkkkay. So much for that happening haha. 


Well anyways, how it happened lmao..So on Weds/Thurs I had cramps, and Im like ohh no the bitch is coming, haha. Well also I thought there was no way I could be pregnant so yes. Well anyways...So then all day Thurs I thought it was coming, so about 2, Im like man Im late thats weird. So I checked my tracked, and I was wronggg. I wasn't due till Friday. So Im like ohh okay. Well Thurs I was sooo hungry, and I know I only get like that when Im pregnant, and I know I wasn't soo wtf? Wrong again. Well on Tuesday I wanna say, maybe monday. I want to the doctor and they did my temp it was 98. something or another. I was like thats strange, its usually 96.something. But I didn't say anything cuz what am I going to say, haha. So Friday rollls around and I get up with Justin just to take the dog out and go back to bed...well I peed forever...I was like omfg what the hell. Meanwhile Im putting all these things together, and Im like wtf. Theres no way. So I figure, I'll give it till Noon if I dont start..and I take a crap ((LMAO)) then Im pregnant. And if Im not, Im not gonna be mad because I know its probably not possible. Hahah.  So I finally work up enough pee, cuz you know every time I need to take one of these damn things I dont have enough pee (to which I started thinking...maybe God doesn't want me to take this test!) So I dip the test in the pee, and I walk away. Because thats what I always do, but I never wait the full minutes...and I see the control line go up, because these tests and lame and it shows up first. And then slowly I see another line, Im like WTF no way. My exact words, so I start bawling, running around like a crazy person, calling Sandra over and over and over again. haha. Then I called Justin, in the same crazyness as I called sandra. Hes like OMG why are u crying, why are you freaking out, this is a GOOD THING. haha. So Im like omg idk babe, this isn't possible. This isn't happening. LMAO. So then long story short I ended up going to the TMC just to get a test and there test the line was DARK. Although, now looking it at, their lines get lighter, lame. 


Worries? Im freaking a nervous wretch. But I know thats not good, so thats why Im going to write all of this out, and stop freaking worrying! lol. Im terrified to lose another baby. But you know, my fear of never being a mother is greater then my fear of another miscarriage. So Im not giving up! You know, I pray it works out this time. But it for some reason, its not meant to be. I won't let this break me! I feel horrible though that I even THINK like that. But after telling everyone for the 3rd time I am pregnant, and loosing the last two. I think its understandable to be nervous. I know the next 12 weeks are going to be the LONGEST weeks of my life. But I also think once I see the doctor (hopefully monday) I will feel a little better!! But I always take great care of my body while Im pregnant, but this time Im going to take EXTRA care. Im not going to do much until Monday though. I was thinking, I still have 3 pregnancy tests left. Hmmm...haha. Maybe I should keep taking them to see if the line changes? lol. I know, Im a freak what can I say. haha. 


I just hope this pregnancy works out, I want to enjoy every miserable moment of it. haha. I feel sick this morning, I did the last two mornings too..I just figured it was period coming on, because thats what it feels like. Im hoping the morning sickness gets worse as the days go on though. <--Who wants morning sickness? This weird bitch! LMAO! If anyone has an suggestions ,things they have heard about to prevent MC please let me know! Id love to hear them! In the meantime Im going to do what I do, and pray like hell! I so appreciate all the prayers though, it means the world to me! Thats part of the reason I tell soo early too...is if I didn't I wouldn't have all those people praying for me! 


ohhhh EDD is about 3/28. Thats just going off one of my trackers though! Strange...Strange...Strange. haha. Yesterday I felt like it wasn't even real, today....I feel like I am more blessed then I could have ever asked for!<3 


Alright, I need to eat....PRAY PRAY PRAY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! lol! <3

Stressed

Ah. So over the weekend Vega attacked me, 3 times. Once on the hand, thankfully she didn't break skin. But I had to grab ice it hurt that bad. And two times in the face. The first time wasn't that bad, I didn't even put ice..but the last time. She broke skin, and it hurt. Its TINYYY, but it still hurts even today. I was already planning on getting rid of her as most everyone knows, but shes JUST too damn aggressive for me, my mom was going to take on the challenge. Well after the bite, of course she doesn't want her. I don't blame her, hell I dont even want her. So the past few days I have been calling EVERYONE trying to get SOMEONE to take her. You know, I could lie and say shes this great dog, but we can't have her for whatever reason...but then they would adopt her out, and another family would go through this. And who would she attack next time, would it be worse -probably. So Ive chose to be honest to EVERYONE, I posted ADS on craigslist, facebook, Ive called shelter after shelter. And no one wants a dog that bites. Then a friend told me maybe I could train her and then she could go to a rescue after that...sounded great. But I forgot, that stupid bite is going to follow her ass EVERYWHERE. Oh yeah, I had to freaking report it because I called to talk to animal services, and yeah. oops. So now Im suck with her till Tues, she has to stay at hom, to make sure shes not sick, shes not skin. Shes just an aggressive dog. Then I pick her up from the vet, and she puts on her lovely "Im a great dog show". They are like yeah shes marked aggressive but shes not at all.....ha. Thats what she WANTS you to think. Which scares me even more, how does she know to be so fake? When people come over who ARENT here to look at her, they see the REAL Vega that everyone is scared of. But when people are here to look at her, she puts on 'Im a great dog act'. Makes me so sick, then of course they think Im over reacting. Im not. So then everyone wants me to get her trained, which is MOREE damn money, and then see if I wanna keep her after that. I DONT. I DONT. DONT. I start talking about it and Im like yes I would love to do that.....but then I stay up all night thinking about it. And I don't. Why give her ANOTHER chance? Then I have to lock her up ANYTIME someone comes over, cuz I dont trust her. and I never will. No one was there when she attacked my face, so no one saw what I saw. PURE EVIL. I was so terrified for Justin to even go to work today, because I knew Id have to be alone with her. Then I feel horrible because we both love her soo much. Esp Justin. Butt...he even said last night its my choice because Im the one she attacked. As much as we dont want to put her down, we sort of think its best because we would feel horrible if we later found out she attacked someone else. Shes tasted blood -twice. Thats scary. If I wasn't there to stop her, she would have killed Bella already. I have talked to soo many people who say 'just put her down'. But then I have soo many people willing to help. I wish I could just find SOMEONE, ANYONE who wants her. But then I get myself worked up because I KNOW she will attack again, and if I give her away, even though by LAW it won't be on me, I feel like it will be on me. Tuesday feels like so far away, yet I have 0 answers. And Im not getting ANY CLOSER to figuring this whole thing out. Even if I got her trained, how would I know it worked? How many months do I give it? What if I have her a year and she doesn't attack, then one day she does? Do I put her down then? How many chances does she get? Shes already bitten me countless times. Not to mention my friends, my friends kids, other dogs. Ugh. Whatttt do I do!? I wish I could give the decision to someone else.

Tonight I wanna cry

I feel horrible being such a baby when I know there is soo much worse out there. Someone said 'just because there is worse doesn't mean what your going through hurts less'. First when she said it, I was fucking pissed off. Because the point of my post was for people to appreciate things more. But now that Im sitting here....and its getting closer to the 15th. You know the day I hate every month. Im super upset. And Im trying to think of people who have it worse, but its not making the pain go away. Its making it worse. Because I know how much pain I am in... so I know they must be in even more pain. And that hurts me, a lot. 

September is getting closer and closer. That month has both of our anniversaries, dating & married..But its also a horribly painful month. September 15th, 2006..I had my first miscarriage. I wanted to die. When you lose a child, you literally lose a part of you. A part you will never get back. Its painful, its horrible..and I fucking hate it. Now I hate September even more..my due date. What am I going to do on September 25th?  This is my second due date...both I will be jumping into with empty arms. Its not fair. Its just not fucking fair. The only thing keeping me going is knowing in September I will start fertility meds. So MAYBE I can have another good thing..maybe just MAYBE I will conceive in September. and then when my 3RD freaking due date comes around..maybe JUST maybe..I will not have empty arms. All I can really do is pray. I pray that clomid works. I pray I never have to go through the pain of another loss. But honestly, I dont believe any of that will happen. I really don't. I feel like we have a lot longer on this journey....And it freaking sucks.

I'm way to depressed to blog about anything else right now...and writing this blog is depressing me EVEN fucking more. So Im going to stop it. Im going to suck it up, stop crying....and move on with my life. God, I wish I was just a little bit stronger....Im so fucking weak. 

Happy 4th of July

Today is 4th of July....and if I was at home it would be a big celebration, but since Im here...and my husband is boring..we are sitting at home today. Today I'm allowing him to be boring without being mean because he goes back to the field tomorrow..for another 2 weeks. So I totally understand why he wants to just be home. On the other hand it makes the holiday more depressing. Last night I went to see the fire works on post..they were amazing! They were REAL fire works, and reminded me of home! It was a lot of fun to hang out with everyone too!

One of my best friends is leaving Ft. Bliss tomorrow...its really hard. I've had other friends leave and that was hard too...but something about her leaving is just breaking my heart. The past 7 months we have gotten sooo close. And now she has to go. The army really sucks sometimes. Its like you make these friends, and they are soo amazing...then they are ripped away from you. Jena's husband is talking about getting out the army next year in September, its crazy. By then we will have been friends over 2 years, and then she will be gone, just like everyone else. Then Carah, she wants to leave asap too..she wants to be closer to family. Totally understandable. Its just crazy.... Gen, Sara, Jennifer, Brandie, Jakin, Sam...all have left already. It's crazy. I've only been here a year and Ive met soo many girls. Justin is re-classing next year sometime....which means we may be leaving here next year. It's so strange..I would be sad to leave, but excited for a new adventure!

So its another holiday, and its crazy because I remember saying last year as I was taking a pregnancy test that was a BFN...you know what I better have a baby/be pregnant by next July 4th. And here I am, empty arms and empty stomach. Then I even started to say that AGAIN this year. and I though to myself  stop it! Because when the next one comes around your going to remember saying that. I used to say all the time 'by then I should....or I'll be mad'. I never actually thought THEN would come around. Trying to get pregnant is a pain in the ass, and honestly- Im over it. I'm soo over caring, and being heartbroken when AF comes around. BUT I know that one day, it will be all worth it. Until then though, it royally sucks. A mothers love is so crazy though. Because I know how much I love my unborn babies, the ones I never got to hold, were only there for a short time and how much it broke my heart when I lost them. And then I know how much I love my dog, yes I love my dog sooo much...I can't even IMAGINE the love I am going to feel when I see my baby for the first time, and hold them in my arms. I remember my ultrasound like it was yesterday, I don't think I could have BEEN more excited. I think that is what keeps me going, I know how much I love my babies just in the womb...so knowing that one day I'm going to hold my child in my arms...THAT is amazing. <3

I don't blog about Justin much, I suppose because I dont have much to say. But today I'm going to write about him because something happened recently that showed me how lucky I am. I've alway known that I'm soo lucky to find this GREAT man that loves more then anything...but when things go wrong with others -it really makes you appreciate. I know people thought we were crazy when we got married, BUT  its probably because they didn't know how much we actually loved each other. In Sept is going to be 7 years that we have been together. 7 years, thats a long time. We are soo young too. Wow in 3 years Im going to be saying 'we have been together 10 years'. Thats nuts! Also in Sept will mark 2 years married. No matter how annoying he is, or how mad he makes me. I just can't see my life without him. My husband is EVERYYYTHING to me! Hes the funniest person I know too.. (Even though I always tell him hes not funny at all, haha). When people ask him how long we have been together he tells them we have been trying to break up for 7 years, haha. As I look over at him, I can't help but smile. We may have been stupid in high school, and people thought we were nuts to stay together....I couldn't be MORE happy that we did. Just thinking about what my life would be like if one of us would have just called it quits is actually pretty depressing! Now -my marriage isn't perfect by ANY means -don't think thats what Im trying to say, we argue about RETARDED things just as much as the next couple. I really just think we know how much we love each other & it keeps us strong. And the fact that I can NEVR stay mad at him helps too!:) Gosh I love that man too much, I swear!

Well, I'm done blogging for now....I'm going to get ready to go the commissary with Jess & Joel....and Im going to kiss that husband of mine & tell him how much I love him:)

I just wanna write:)

This weekend has been soo amazing so far:) Justins home for the 4 day...(Thank you Chris for doing his guard, your awesome!). Yesterday we spend the whole day just hanging out. We finally got some rain around here!! Then what do you know, the power went out..strange how little it rains or is windy and the power goes out here. But it was awesome that it did because it got Justin and I off the couch to play cards! He taught me how to play rummy (sp?)..it was soo much fun!!:) Then we went out to get some krispy cream donuts just because they sounded amazing...then back to finish off our last game! Which I FINALLY won, haha. He said he let me win, but Im not so sure about that! haha (he probably really did let me win, he always beats me at EVERYTHING). Hes so amazing!<3 Then today we have just been hanging around the house, I cleaned the crap out of the house--which it looks like I never cleaned already. Ohh dogs. Then we went to see transformers 3D because we were going to go last night but because of the storm we couldn't go -I figured if we didn't have power they didn't since we live like 2 seconds away from them! The movie was AWESOME. But it was soo packed even though we got there 30 mins early!! so we had to sit up really close so it was kind of neck breaking haha...and watching it is 3D was kind of hard because with a movie like that there is already so much going on!! It was awesome though!! Now Im just playing on the computer & hes playing some xbox while we wait for our dinner to cook!! We are having ribs, corn on the cob, mac&cheese & rolls! ooo gosh I can't wait for it to be done!!!:)) Im pretty sure tomorrow they are doing fire works on post..or it could be tonight, hell it could be sunday I really don't know haha. But if I can't drag Justins boring ass out to see them I figured we could go hang out in the backyard with the puppies and watch them!:) I REALLY wish I was on the lake this weekend....fireworks every night. The amazing display...ohhh how I miss home!!! You know its strange back home the 4th of July was the shit, everyone came up for it, we spent the whole weekend on the boat, having fires & watching fire works. Here its so lame. Because its so dry we can't do fireworks....only watch them from other places, lame. Theres no lake to swim in. Its strange, I used to hate Michigan...it wasn't that I wanted to leave, because I didn't mind staying...but once I got out I was soo in love with NOT being there. Now that Ive been gone a little over a year..Im dying to go back every chance I get. Funny how that works out. People talk about 'small hick towns' like they are soo lame...(and some parts are VERY lame) but its the people that are from big cities talking shit....they have nooo clue what they are missing. Our Illinois neighbors, have the life!!! They live in big city on the weekdays...and drive up to MI for the weekends. Someday Id love to do that. Big city people miss out on soo much they have nooo clue. 

Its funny, people come from different places. So they have different views on things. Sometimes I want to slap them for the things they think are 'sooo awful'. I want to be like, come to the small towns, you will see thats NORMAL. And its funny, some people think that ANYTHING small town means 'hick'. Just to let you know theres a HUGE different between small town & hick. And you might want to watch what you say cuz you might be offending someone and not even realizing it. I don't get offended, because I know that your ignorance isn't your fault, and plus you just look retarded haha. Its also so funny to watch how some people do their parenting because thats what their mom did. Like my mom was all about us having fun, if we got dirty OWELL:) It was all good...we played outside, we were naked, we didn't match when we picked out our own clothes...We had A BLAST. And my mom wasn't worrying 24/7 about crazy things that don't matter. Thats what I love about my mom, she was hands down the best mom! Its just too cute how people grow up and do the things their mothers taught them! I know I want to take after my mom:))) Its also crazy how people learn NOT to be like their parents.. the world is such a strange place!

I have decided I will start buying small things for our future children, just things that are really dirt cheap, or taking things that are free. Because I think it will give me some hope. I deff won't be going all crazy though...just buying little things here and there. When its finally my turn, my baby will have some of the best things! Things no other babies have:) Because, one way or another -I will be a mother. Mark my words. I will have a child. Even if its threw adoption...:) I firmly believe I was born to be a mother! and plus I know Id be a better mother then half these crazy bitchs;) so how could God NOT let me be?

28 days. In 28 days we will be driving back to MI for a visit. As it gets closer and closer I am just DYINGGGG for the time to come! I cant wait to see everyone, go on the boat, swimming, hanging out with family, friends & my best friend! Ahhh....I can't wait!!!! I wish we could stay longer then 2 weeks though!!! Ohhh if Michigan wasn't soo far away. But our next duty station we are going to TRYYY so hard to closer to home!!! :))

Dinner is almost ready:)

Homesick

I am extremely homesick. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Ft. Bliss, I love the army (most of the time), I love my friends, I pretty much just love my life. But I miss home. Every time a plan a trip home the months leading up to it are killer. I was doing really good until my mom and sister came to visit. And now since we planned to go home next month...Im dying. Its all I think about. Then I realize I'm leaving on the 30th of July and we have to be back on the 14th of Aug -and we are driving. It seems like thats not enough time at home AT ALL. The army should just give Justin a month off for block leave. That sounds like a really good idea to me! haha. I was just reading a friends blog and she was talking about being home, which made me want to go home EVEN more, haha. Ahhh...this is the army, and while I love it...I just think they should move Ft. Bliss a little closer to home! Honestly, I would even be happy with 12 hours away. 26 seems like so far away. Sighhhh...owell once Aug hits Ill be home!! and then not too much longer I'll be back home for Christmas.

Other then being homesick, Justins been in the field all month. He comes home on weekends, except this weekend. Next weekend they have a 4 day, but he has guard so again for the second time he only gets a 3 day. But I am just thankful hes coming home for at least 3 days:) and that his guard didn't fall on our ovulation, not that it mattered anyways. After that he goes back for 2 more weeks then hes done, finally. I'm so glad he gets to come home for weekends, but with all this field training I'm seeing what the army is really like. I don't mind it so much, mostly because I am just so thankful hes not deploying anytime soon. But the house sure is lonely without him. The dogs make it a lot better though, I must say. Also friends, if I didn't have friends I think I'd go absolutely crazy. Someday I'll have kids to add to the mix, then it deff won't be so bad, or so lonely.

You know whats crazy...I'd be so pregnant right now. Big belly, already knowing the sex, shopping, planning baby showers, getting ready for a baby to born at the end of September, happiest girl in the world. Instead I look down to an empty belly,  periods every month, tracking ovulation, and being depressed. It sucks. It really sucks. I wanted to be pregnant by September, so it would be like I would have either had this baby, or the other baby. The way things are looking that is not going to happen. Even if I did get pregnant before September, Ive still been trying another 6 months. When September comes, and I start fertility meds - I will have been TTC 18 months. Look at that number, what a depressing number. Sure I did get pregnant in the mix, but I had a horrible miscarriage, so whats the point in that. You know, Ive said it before, but its crazy - how can my life be sooo perfectly amazing yet theres one thing missing that causes depression? Ive been asking myself that for months, its crazy. However, lately I have been doing much better about being so depressed...I just remind myself the good in it taking so long. Theres not many good things about it, but I can find a few. Sometimes I wonder if because I think of those good things God thinks I don't need a baby? Then I realize how stupid that actually sounds. My mind does play tricks on me though. The only thing I am certain of is when it does happen for us -we are going to appreciate the things most parents take for granted. And thats enough to make me smile!

I've been thinking its about time to go back to school. My friend goes to this online school, its for Military families only. I can't remember the name -ever. But I am thinking that once we get back from block leave, I'll start back up again. That way when I'm home I can go back to LMC and get my transcripts, and get started. I am a little scared, actually a lot scared. But I know that I can DEFF do it. It's not like I do anything else like seriously. The only reason I haven't went back so far is because I honestly just don't know what I want to do with my life. So Im just going to get a general degree so I do a bunch of different things. My newest love is being a vet tech. Before my choices were based on money, but now that Justin is talking about staying in the army 20 years, I don't really have to worry about money. I can do something that makes decent money and something I would love to do. I'd also love to work in a nursing home, call me crazy but I just think as hard as that job would be, Id love it. And it would be so rewarding. I want to do something rewarding, something that helps people or animals. I want to do something that means something to someone. Id actually love to work at the animal services place where I got my dogs. The only problem is I think my big ol heart would want to take all of them home. Even though I'm upset with the way things happened with Bella getting parvo, I do realize it wasn't there fault. I just wish they would give shots as soon as the dogs walk in the door....but I understand why that don't. So many dogs a killed each day it would be so costly to give them all shots. I also wish that as soon as you say you want a dog they get their shots. Buttttt thats life, things don't always happen as you want them too. But maybe I'll go apply down there, I can help families adopt dogs and give them new homes. That itself would be rewarding, if its too hard I quit. Not a big deal, right? Idk. I guess I'll have to give it a little more thought.

Its been way too long!

It's been way to long since I updated and a lot has happened.

First off I couldn't update for like 20 years because my laptop crashed, woo hoo. Not. I was so pissed because I only had that laptop 3 years, and seriously I paid $1,000 for it. I mean I deff got my moneys worth because I used that thing SOO much, but it still sucks knowing I spent that much money and it didn't even last that long. So this time I bought a much better brand laptop. I got a two year warranty which covers EVERYTHING. It was amazing though because since I got the tech support I can cover up to 3 computers on that, and I bought a year so they gave me a free year!:) Sooo not only do I have a new baby, I also get to fix my broken laptop for SUPER cheap, all I have to pay for is the parts. So we will now have two laptops, AWESOME! I love my new laptop, but theres deff a bunch of crap I have to figure out on it haha.

Lately I have just been spending lots of time with friends, Justins been in the field all month (home on weekends). So I have been spending my weekends glued to the husband, and my weekdays staying super busy trying to help the time fly. On tuesday I went with some friends to a college in the mall they did my cut my hair, thinned it, deep conditioned it, washed it, waxed my eye brows, did a mani/pedi AND a facial all for $25. It was amazing, like a spa day haha. The best part is that was amazingly cheap.  I got a bunch of my hair chopped off, thank god..it needed to go! Other then that I have just been hanging out at the pool, and spending time with the puppies:)

Vega & Bella Luna---ohhh how I love them. I SERIOUSLY never thought I could love a dog as much as I love those two. Im not even kidding! and I strongly suggest anyone going through fertility issues to get a dog. Obviously a dog is NOT a baby and will NOT replace the feeling of wanting a child so badly, but it deff has helped me. I get to love on them, and I know they love me..I have to take care of them, I get to spoil them (and believe me I do).  However...Vega is still aggressive and very unpredictable, which is a little scary. I love her soo much. But I can't keep her, because there are way to many children coming in and out of this house and I just can't chance her attacking someone. And luckily my mom wants her really badly, so I get to take her to her this summer. It just really sucks that I have to get rid of her!:( But I really do understand that its for the best. Speaking of taking her to my mom! We get to go home in AUG now!! I can't even wait...Justin gets block leave starting July 30rd and they are forcing him to take leave, so we figured since he has to take the leave, we have to do something with Vega...we might as well go home! I am so excited I can't even waittttttttt!!!! We are driving which is going to SUCK horribly, but it will deff be worth it!:) Ahhhh....hurry up time! hahah.

So I don't remember if I blogged about this or not, but with my fertility bullshit. The doctor says that if I'm not pregnant by September we will start fertility meds, and I have an appointment in the beginning of September to discuss it. It sucks because that means I will not be pregnant by my due date, which I really wanted. But I'm trying to just say everything happens for a reason, even if we don't understand those reasons. Plus our baby fund is going DOWNNNN because of all the things we have had to buy lately. Right now Im waiting for my check from shelter care which is about $750 ahhh hurry up check! lol. But Im going back and forth because I want to get pregnant NATURALLY, but theres nothing wrong with NOT getting pregnant naturally either. Ah. However he told me that hes going to put me on hormones when I do get pregnant just in case. Which I have to say is AMAZINGGGGGGG. Because that means hopefully I won't miscarry..hopefully=/ So now I am just waiting around for sept...but I think I am going just do 'whatever' till Sept and see what happens I guess..Im so sick of obsessing over this all the time! Blah!

Anyways, Im doing writing...soo Ill blog later!